Butt Worms Suck

I was once awakened from a sound, pleasant bout of somnambulance only to find a three‑lipped, ringed worm sticking out of my butt, eating cheerios with strawberries sliced up on top. While amazed by it's intelligence and agility (especially for a annelid), I couldn't help but be the slightest bit disgusted.

I took a pencil from my nightstand and began the tedious chore of wrapping the worm around it, allowing me to turn the pencil, pulling the worm out of my rectum as it wound around the pencil. I didn't want to pull it out too quickly, for fear of ripping it, leaving part of a dead worm in my digestive track. The worm itself was surprisingly long ‑about 350 ft, as it turned out. This task lasted approximately 17 hours, until about 7 PM the next evening.

Needless to say, I was exhausted by this point; and so fell quickly into a deep sleep. Unfortunately, I forgot to dispose of the foul brute, which was piled several feet high by my side. At about 4:30 the next morning, I was again roused by the demon beast chewing on my leg. By that point he was already up to the knee cap.

But that was a long time ago, and now Harvey and I see each other frequently. He moved into an apartment down the hall. We play racquetball on Thursdays (incredible what they can do with prosthetics these days). But the bastard cheats when we play bridge. And that's why I think that butt worms suck.

Spam-ku

Pink tender morsel,

Glistening with salty gel.

What the hell is it?

Ears, snouts and innards,

A homogeneous mass.

Pass another slice.

Cube of cold pinkness

Yellow specks of porcine fat.

Give me a spork please.

Old man seeks doctor.

"I eat SPAM daily", says he.

Angioplasty.

Quite unnatural,

The tortured shape of this "food":

A small pink coffin.

Sliding from the can

Fully saturated fat

Makes me want to retch

Monkey is Three!

Happy Birthday, Monk.
I love you!